Not a comprehensive list, or even a very well thought out one. Just some thoughts.

1. 24/7 A short way of saying 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, which no-one used to say anyway so why they now feel the need to say the short version I have no idea. An American import I suspect. Sometimes used to describe a person’s activities. Presumably a person who never sleeps and who either has boundless energy or is suicidal due to sleep deprivation. T4 presenters use it a lot, so it scores double points for hatefulness.

2. Period I suspect that many English people who end sentences with “….Period” don’t really understand what they are saying, but have heard it on a film or television programme and think it adds extra weight to their exhortations. ‘Period’ is what Americans call a full stop. If you are English and end a sentence with “…Period”  it sounds you have been overcome by Tourette’s Syndrome. You may just as well exchange the word for “Flow week”, “On the blob” or “Got the painters in”. It won’t make you sound any more the buffoon.

3. You do the math. No, you fuck off. You’ve missed an ‘s’ off. Actually, even “You do the maths” or “You do the mathematics” is unacceptable.

4. Rookie. I hear British sport journalists refer to young or recently blooded sportsmen as “rookie” quite a lot these days. I always associated it with the terribly un-English baseball, but it seems that the earliest use of the word has been traced back to Kipling and refers to a ‘raw recruit’ in the British Army. It still sounds wrong out of the mouth of an Englishman though. I think I would prefer it if they used ‘ingenue’.

5. Ass – Kick-ass – bad-ass – any ass. It’s arse. If you want to add a kick, kick it up the arse. If it’s bad, it probably needs ointment eg – “I have a bad arse, doctor. Can I have some super-strength Preparation H from under the counter please? “. The word Ass relates to one of these friendly fellows –  Please donate to the WSPA or RSPCA if you can.

6. And I was like…… “And I was like this, and he was like this, and then I was like this…..” There are probably 400,000 similar conversations going on in Britain at this very moment, each as witless and tedious as each other. This is the result of more insidious American influence I believe and is going to be very hard to put a stop to, but do please try. Also, don’t think for a second I dislike Americans. I don’t at all.

7. Can I get a… If I was working behind a bar or a shop counter and someone said “Can I get a…” to me, I would turn my back on them until they had put their order to me in a more polite fashion. “Could I have…” or “May I have…” – lovely. “Can I get a…” – no, you cannot get a anything. Go away and carry on living your fantasy US television life somewhere else please. Preferably alone, up a mountain, in space.

8. Anything that Dappy from N’Dubz says – anything that collosal egomaniac moron says should never be said by anyone, let alone an Englishman. You can tell he’s a complete idiot with about as much sense to impart as a Wileda super-mop by the fact Channel 4 seem determined to have him speak to the nation every Christmas. Polly Vernon, an editor of The Observer no less (or no more, depending on your point of view) seems to think he’s vibrant (awful word) and fun, conveniently ignoring that he’s previously been charged with assaulting a woman and, notoriously, sent death threats to a woman who had the audacity to call him rubbish. She even fails to mention that he has a head like a jaundiced peanut.  Surely that band’s 15 minutes of unmerited fame have expired.